Ask Hadley! - Move Explained on Page 5

[Thorn Of Deucalion]

Justhad

My mum and sister are making me be my sister’s friend sister’s partner for your deb ( a big dance ) but I don’t want to do it ! they are trying to make me feel bad my saying if I don’t do it , it would just kill her , saying I am helping her with her self esteem , but want about my self esteem ! want about how I feel . I am very self confident, and hate dancing and I don’t like the girl , there is no way I cant get out of it . I feel like hurting myself to get out of it , that’s how much I don’t want to do it ! can you help me some how ? thank-you

[Justhad]

Dear Gerry,
Being a female, I've got an answer. (Hopefully it's an ok one!) When girls get boyfriends, they seem to disregard there male friends for a one of a few reasons. One, the male friend is hotter and more successful then boyfriend therefore boyfriend is jealous. Two, they get really wrapped up in there new non-singleness and ignore most of their regular friends and guy friends to the point where all their time is spent with new boyfriend. Three, they sorta like their guy friend and are afraid of the boyfriend finding out, or afraid the boyfriend will get jealous.

I hope this helps - the female species is just crazy!

Sincerely,
Hadley

[Justhad]

Dear Gachnar,
Here in Kansas we have a similar Debutante ball, so I'm ver familiar with the process. First of all, don't hurt yourself! It's one evening, and it won't last as long as you think. You're doing a lot for this girl by being her date, and you should be honored that they chose you as the person to take her. I would say to go to the ball, have a good time, find some nice people to sit with and try to make conversation with her and the rest of the table. As one of my friends mentioned to me the other day, it's called the self-fullfilling prophecy aka.. if you go into it thinking it will be bad, it will be bad. I think you should go, try and have a good time, if you don't, you can still feel like you did a nice thing for someone. Let me know what you decide to do - hope this helps a bit!

Sincerely,
Hadley

[Thorn Of Deucalion]

thanks Justhad ,

i will go , the family are rich and i think i will get something good , lol
i will try and do want you said , talk and stuff , i wont have fun , but maybe i will . you are very helpful ! thanks very much .

[MrGordo]

Okay, I need some advice. When I try to talk to my friends about it, they do the whole "talk shit on your ex thinking it will make you feel better" thing. Everyone says that when you quit looking, you'll find the right person for you and for the longest time I was looking anyways. My family life has always been shit, so I wanted someone to have my own family with. The things my parents have put me through really made a big impact on me from a VERY early age. Like when they found out I was gay, they kicked me out and I always knew that would happen someday when they found out. My earliest memory of knowing I was different was when my parents worked in a video store, I was only 4 and I was totally fascinated with the Chippendales videobox (woowoo, still am lol). My parents are extremely religious and my dad used to make my sister and I watch the "anti-gay christian intolerance bullshit videos" when I was 10 & up, and at that age I already knew I was gay. I closed up to them and it caused me to end up with social anxiety, I guess because they inadvertantly or not made me feel like I didn't belong and it just stuck. They even tried having me put away in a mental ward to keep me from my boyfriend I was with when they first found out (they lied and said I was trying to kill myself). But, I finally quit looking for someone, mostly out of bitterness and starting to believe my parents about "2 guys can never make it work", when I did I met the most amazing guy for me. I had just been dumped, and I didn't know it at the time, but the guy I was seeing dumped me because he wanted to try to get with Brock (my ex I'm crazy over), Brock followed me to every afterbar party I went to that night and even called my ex to get my phone # from him (told him he wanted to ask my friend I was with a question lol). I avoided him, but he was pretty persistant and I finally gave in. For the 14 months we were together, I loved him more than I have ever felt for anyone. He gave me everything I had been looking for and I know he loved me as much as I love him. He took me home to meet his family, who were the nicest people in the world, and I was totally uncomfortable because my own family are assholes. I always thought that having someone would make my life better, but I couldn't be what he needed because turned out I was just a nut case. So, I started to see a shrink because I knew I'd lose him if I didn't fix my shit. My shrink diagnosed me with social anxiety, major depression (I dunno if that's the clinical term or a way of saying you're majorly depressed) and A.D.H.D. I tried my best to explain to him that the things he loved about me is the way I actually am, but my anger and stuff was part of my depression and I just needed time to work on it. We were getting ready to move out of town together and he ended up just leaving me. I blame myself for losing him, and on the other hand I am pissed because I was trying to get better, but mostly I think it's all my fault. He still insists on being friends because he cares a lot about me, but sometimes it hurts to talk to him because I still want him and I now know he is seeing someone else and I gotta get over it. Everytime I try to explain to him that I need him to leave me alone so that I can get over him, he doesn't understand because he misses talking to me. Everytime I talk to him, I fake that I'm happy and tell him all the crazy things I've been up to and he laughs and thinks I'm okay, but I just don't want him to know it's a lot worse than I've let on, it's been 7 months, I'd think I'd be over it by now. I feel like he should've stayed with me and been there for me, but I also think that's selfish to want someone to do that. So, I just don't know how to move on from this when I know that it was because of my problems that we broke up and if he could've just held out awhile, I would've done anything for him. Is it selfish for me to tell him to not talk to me, I feel like I'm being an asshole when I tell him that. Any thoughts/suggestions would be great. But if you dunno anything to say, I've at least ranted about it pretty thoroughly for the first time. lol

[MrGordo]

holy shit I typed a lot. Sorry!

[MrGordo]

Oh boy do I need some more advice. Yesterday, my ex's boyfriend sent me some text messages, and now that I look at them it seems like he had some suspicions himself. He asked if my ex & I were still together in early January, cause that's when they got together. And we brokeup late January, which damn, he moved on fast. So I got pissed that he lied to me and then his boyfriend called me and was actually a really nice guy, damn him. My friends that kinda know my ex think he is a liar, but the more I think about it I don't believe he'd do that. So my friends ended up taking my cell phone away cause I wanted to send text messages and tell his new boyfriend that I didn't think it was true, but it's just hard to determine since he moved on so fast. But, I got home WITH my cellphone and sent his boyfriend a message and told him that I've been cheated on a lot and that I'm not sure what to think. He replied and said "He said he never cheated on anyone" and I said "Good, glad that's all cleared up." He replied and said "I don't believe him". I'm thinking I should probabally just be left out of this, but I feel really bad if it's not true. But I dunno what to think. This has been the most horrible situation lol Trying to talk my ex's new boyfriend out of believing this, when I want my ex back, but I still want him to be happy, but I'm not sure what to think. One thing is for sure, I am staying single for awhile after all this bullshit.

[gerry]

wait a sec. . .
to clarify:
you broke at the end of January
he started dating the new guy in the beginning of January.
Now am I wrong in assuming that month overlap would be considered cheating?

[MrGordo]

Yea, prolly. I told his boyfriend if they have problems, work on it themselves and leave me out of it. I've decided to become a "non-practicing lesbian".

[Justhad]

Mr.Gordo - I'll have a long entry for you later - sorry for the delay -

[Justhad]

Nick-
First of all, you need to do what you need to do to have any piece of mind. In my past experience, telling them that they need to "figure things the hell out or get out of my life" can be very helpful. I finally told an on again off again boy that, and I haven't spoken to him since, I think it can be helpful if you can stick to it. I can understand how you want to tell his new boyfriend to be aware, but sometimes you can't fight other people's battles. If they choose to be involved with a person, they choose to be, and as much as you tell them you disagree with their choice, you have to let them learn the lesson on their own. And also, you're a nice, attractive, young person with so much life left that you should be out there finding someone who will appreciate you for the amazing person you are. You will meet more people, you should hold out for the person you're meant to be with.

Sincerely,
Hadley

[MrGordo]

Thanks for that, Hadley.

[CMK1887]

Hey guys!

First off, I'd like to extend a big thanks to Hadley for being such a wonderful addition to the BtVSFigs staff! Her advice seems to be helping a lot of people, and we're really impressed with how she's doing in her position on the Watcher's Council.

With that said, it's been decided to give Hadley her very own 'Ask Hadley!' sub-board in The Lounge. Any questions you guys have for Hadley are now to be posted in their own thread in this newly created board. If you posted a question in this particular thread and it has yet to be answered, repost it as a new thread. We think this method will make it easier for Hadley to stay organized and on top of your guys' questions.

So, continue to ask away!

-CMK

[Justhad]

Yay! Thanks Chad! I love the new banner too!!!